So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
