Remember that sex scene from American Psycho?
Ya, why?
We should try that some time.
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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