New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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