don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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