he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
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If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
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That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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