Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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