all I know is if I don't watch spice world right now there will be a firefight.
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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