I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
