Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
You ate ashes out of my bong
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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