We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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