I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
