Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
