My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
