im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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