i cvme to yuor rooom...wherer are youf?
please be gone before i get back
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
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