my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
