Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
