i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Randomize
