This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
Randomize
