i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
I met the friendliest cop last night
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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