I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
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