You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
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