i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
