my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Randomize
