Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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