dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Randomize
