i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Randomize
