Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
