Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Randomize
