omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
