Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
I can text with my tongue
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
Randomize
