ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Randomize
