Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
Randomize
