just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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