she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Randomize
