My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Randomize
