i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Randomize
