really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
