dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
