if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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