I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
I want to fling myself into the sun
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
