I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
YAS. BRING CRAB.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
