My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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