meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
True strength comes from lack of pants
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
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