At least make sure they are 18
Why
Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
