My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Randomize
