My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
