maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
