Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
