This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
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