We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
