I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Randomize
