Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
I don't think requesting him as a BBM contact is proper protocol following vomming in his bed.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Randomize
