took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
Randomize
