Banned from zoo.
Again?
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
