so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
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