I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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