im having a threesome with these popsicles
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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