don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Randomize
